Andrew Cuomo's Condolences to the New York city subway riders

 
 

Dearest New Yorkers,

 

Pizza, am I right?

 

I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now mostly because my MTA helipad is working just fine, but that won’t keep me from offering all of you some practical advice regarding the New York City subway conditions: Just think about it differently. 

 

The numerous track fires don’t just cause egregious delays, but they also remind us to slow down in the famous ‘city that’s never not awake.’ With the right attitude, hot overcrowded trains could really just be warm, inviting hug-pods. I think what all of us really need right now is a nice hug to remedy our heavy hearts and precarious employment.

 

Please know that I’m thinking of you and how long you’ll put up with this ‘state of emergency’ I so bravely declared. Also know that I’m ready as early as tomorrow to set up a meeting with Pizza Hut to privatize the whole system. I can hear it now: Hear comes the Pizza Sub, right on time! I’m taking the Meat Lover’s Line to Pepperoni then transferring to Supreme to get my station, www.pizzahut.com

 

This way I can spend what’s left of the MTA budget on facial rejuvenation. It’s very expensive but re-elections are this November and I still haven’t figured out a way to legally Texas Chainsaw Massacre my hotter brother’s face onto my head.

 

Signed, Governor Andrew M. Cuomo